Wow - I'm a little of everything!

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Upper Midwestern

10% Yankee

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Knitting Rage

A coworker of mine gave me a great excerpt from The Believer magazine, called "Sedaritives" by comedienne Amy Sedaris. Reprinted without permission, hoping that if Ms. Sedaris comes across it, she'll find it flattering that I wanted to share it with my peeps.

Dear Amy,
A knitting pattern gave me bad instructions and I don’t know what to do with my rage. Any suggestions?
Peter McGrath
Washington, D.C.

Dear Peter,
This sounds to me like Knitter’s Rage. Not to be confused with aggressive knitting. You should take this test:

1. Do I feel I need to “get back” at other knitters for wronging me?
2. Do I get angry with knitters who knit faster than I do?
3. Do I find myself yelling at other knitters whether they can hear me or not?
4. Do I cut off other knitters when driving?
5. While knitting, do I often think, “Hey, these heavy steel needles would look great sticking out
of that guy’s skull?”

If you answered yes to three out of five questions, then you probably have Knitter’s Rage. I would recommend sedating the rage with alcohol or PCP, eating a lot of junk food, and then heading over to the gun range to blow off some steam. If there isn’t a gun range in your neighborhood, try the parking lot of a Burger King or a belltower.
Amy

How many of the 5 questions did you answer "yes" to?

I'm not telling how many I did...

P.S. Check back tomorrow for a story on my date with the real live 29-year-old virgin - folks, this is no movie. I only wish I was making this stuff up.

Happy Birthday TO ME

Yay! It's my birthday! The one day of the year that's ALL MINE. And it's fun.

Here is my gift to you - courtesy of KristySF:

Click: Chinese People are Funny

It's utterly ridiculous, but made me chuckle.

Now, get back to work!

More More More

"Thanks for bringing home this really cool box! What? You got some sort of free teevee? Yeah, whatever, this box kicks ASS!" -Elvis

The Universe Loves Me...It Really Loves Me!!

I won a teevee. Ok, so who ever wins anything, much less a teevee??

I figure it's the Universe's way of making it up to me. See, because the Universe and I have had some issues lately. I'm taking specific issue with the quality of the men, or lack thereof, that it has been sending me. I mean, really! Come on!!

There was the guy who lived in my very small town that had been to every party I had been to this summer and had all the same friends that I did. He and I had never met until I emailed him via Match.com. Apparently, we were 5 feet away from each other at a bar not two weeks earlier but had not met. Anyway, a couple of great dates later, it unfortunately fizzles for reasons that I shouldn't post here. Hm. Next!

Then, there was Soft-Spoken Guy who could barely be strong enough to stand up to his dog, yet was aggressive enough to randomly move in for a kiss while I was mid-sentence and I hadn't given ANY kind of signal that it would be ok to do so...Next!

And...that's kind of it. Wow. How very...blah. Of course there is the IHOP of men...I have conversations with an Israeli guy, a South African guy, and a Swiss guy. SO glad I'm taking conversational Italian classes at the community college...should come in handy.

Ok, so to make it up to me, and to prove that the Universe loves me and wants me to be happy...I won a 26" flat screen teevee today in a raffle at a brokers' open! I was one of two female agents in attendance in a room full of about 55 male commercial real estate agents. You should have seen those men's jaws drop when they announced my name, "but she's just gonna watch Desperate Housewives and E True Hollywood Story! She's not gonna appreciate that High-Def for baseball and football the way the Good Lord intended!!"

Oh yes I will...Josh Duhamel from Las Vegas in high definition...yummy.

And the best part is? I can plug BOTH my DVD player AND my TiVo into the TV at the same time...life is good.